5 Things That Are Saving My Life ... Right Now

 This is that in between time of year in Wisconsin.  Snow is melting, but we'll probably get at least one more dusting.  It's too wet to start gardening, but floral graveyards of last year are appearing uncovered showing dead leaves, stems, and dirt.  I planted some bulbs last fall, so I'm hoping they survived the squirrels and cold and will be coming up soon.  On the plus side, we had gorgeous weather this weekend.  Blue skies and forty degree temps.  So nice in fact, that my cat tries to bolt outside anytime I'm going in or out the door.  He wants to explore the yard and wander around the snowbanks.

I'm feeling more active on the weekends, but still pretty drained on weekdays.  Here's what's is helping me stay sane right now.

1. My weighted blanket.  When my depression was in full swing, I was frequently up at 2 in the morning for an hour, usually two (or more) and once I woke up, it was nearly impossible to get back to sleep.  Even with antidepressants, I was still having problems sleeping through the night.  It was so frustrating!  I've never been a person that struggles with sleep, but I was tired all the time.  For my birthday in February, my husband bought me a weighted blanket.  It made all the difference in the world!  I still occasional wake up in the middle of the night, but now it's usually around 4 (and I get up at 5 work anyway) so I either lay there for half an hour or so and fall back asleep, or if I have a bunch of stuff to get done, I just get up.  At $200, it's a big investment, and I was skeptical, but it was seriously worth every penny.

2. Cooking.  My husband is like the ultimate finicky eater, and while I used to make two separate meals, he's now on his own most the time.  But cooking for one gets old.  Especially old is eating leftovers for like a week straight.  So, one of my girl friends and I came up with a plan.  She works in the hospital below the nursing home I work at, so the days she and I are both working (she works days, PMs, and nights) I pack both our lunches.  In return, she buys breakfast on the weekends if we go out.  Having someone else to cook for has inspired me to try new recipes and eat healthier too.  It's been so fun to get back in the kitchen and eat new things.  Yesterday I made yellow curry for the first time.  And the realization that I'm willing to make more of an effort for someone else than for my own body is not lost on me neither.

3.  My cat.  Sure he can be annoying.  But he's the most fluffy giver of unconditional love you will ever see.  He's sitting on my lap right now in my office, while I type this.  He gets up with me no matter what time it is, and if I crash at 7:30, he's laying in bed right next to me.  When my husband worked nights and I was home by myself after work, I would have been super lonely without the cats (we have two, but the other one is not nearly as much of a snuggler).  Seriously, if you're depressed or anxious, there's nothing like snuggling a cat or watching a dog run around and play to boost your mood.

4. The weekend.  I know, I know, everyone loves the weekend, but I've gotten a bit of a routine down that seems to really help me cope with life.  I try to schedule any errands during the week, whether on my lunch break or after work.  Then on the weekends, I just bunker down and spend the time at home.  I get all my laundry caught up, vacuum, clean, and plan meals for the week.  Then I just relax.  Lay in bed, drinking tea and doing devotions, reading books, catch up on blog reading, send some letters to friends.  I may meet up with a friend for lunch or a visit on Saturday, but I try to keep Sunday for rest and reflection.

5. Medication.   Last, but certainly not least, I'm on prescription anti depressants, and I take two supplements for my anxiety/ depression.  And I don't know what I would do without them.  I remember days where someone would call in at work, and it'd just push me over the edge and I'd start crying, because I would be putting so much time and effort into the schedule and then one call in would through everything into a mess.  We've had two nurses move to other jobs and have lost quite a few of the high school CNAs to the start of softball, but I've been able to keep my cool much better now.  I know the medication plays a big part in that.

How about you, what's saving your life right now?

What to Do When Your Creativity is on Life Support

Brutal honesty here for a minute.  I have felt like any creativity inside me has been pretty much dead for almost the past year.  And it put me in a funk, big time.  I didn't feel like sewing much, with the exception of the winter craft fair I did with a friend.  I didn't really bake much because I'm trying to watch my weight.  And I definitely wasn't getting any writing done.  There were many factors, and I still haven't pinpointed what knocked the wind out of my creativity sails, but there are a few suspects, and it may very well be just a conglomeration of the three.

• Changing jobs (twice).  I feel like anytime you make a big change to your routine, it has the potential to knock your creativity off its feet.  I went from working second shift, to working first.  My most productive time was always between about 8 am and 1 pm, but now I work at that time.
• Winter.  Winter puts me in a funk faster than anything.  Oh it sounds quaint- Christmas carols, and white powdery snow, warm sweaters, and hot cocoa and toasty fires.  But, if you live far enough north, you know what it's really like- shoveling heavy, wet snow, starting your car fifteen minutes before you plan on leaving so it warms up, ice, and darkness- so much darkness.  It's dark when you get up, and the sun is already setting when you get done with work.  You're cold all the time.  Misery sucks the creativity right out of you.
• Depression.  Because once Christmas passes, you know what you're left with?  Another two to three months of snow, more darkness, and nothing to look forward to.  Sounds depressing?  It is.  Usually my goal is just to hold on to dear life and wait for the thaw.  Usually spring whisks away my sad feelings just like the breeze that speeds up the melting of all the dirty snow banks.  But this year, that didn't happen.  I was in the middle of my second job change in just over six months and I went from depressed to stressed.  I wasn't motivated to do anything besides consume carbs and drink coffee while eating European chocolates.  There were little bursts of creativity but nothing that was able to catch fire in the artistic part of my brain.

But now, finally, seven months into the new year, I feel alive and ready to go again.  I feel creative again, and energized and ready to tackle projects and make new things. So what's changed?

• My diet.  My brother sells Advocare and I decided to give the 24 Day Challenge a try.  And while I'm not saying you have to do the program to feel better, I do think cutting all added sugar and most carbs out of my life has helped me feel better.  I'm only fifteen days in but feel better than I have in a long time.  And that's after enduring a nearly 48 hour headache when my body realized there was no chocolate coming.
• Morning pages.  I've gotten back to writing three pages of whatever is in my head in the morning.  This brain dump, that Julia Cameron swears by really does help.  You can get all the things bottled up, out on to paper.  And sometime I even find some truth in what I write.  But, I look at it as getting some of the cobwebs cleared so I can get to the real gems underneath.  And by the way, this doesn't happen everyday, but just doing it a few times a week really helps.
• My attitude.  Now this one is a tricky one because people say "change your attitude" like it's putting on socks, but it's not.  I really recommend taking a day off and just unplugging from Facebook and Instagram and even the constant stream of text messages and getting out the pen and paper and writing what you want from life.  Do you want more money, do you want more time, do you want more fun?  How are you going to get it?  Come up with a game plan.  Once I really thought about what I want my life to look like, I feel like I got a lot of clarity about the here and now.
• My plan.  Or to be more clear, I made a plan.  Life always feels better when you feel like you have some control.  Make a list.  Make several lists.  Make a list of action steps you can take and then make some lists of how to conquer each action step.  Make some action steps for conquering your goals.  Bonus points if you have someone you can bounce your plan off. 

So, while we think of creativity as this spontaneous thing that just pops up like one of those mushrooms that just show up in your yard, full grown, overnight, without any real rhyme or reason, but it's not.  At least not for me.  For me, creativity needs structure.  It needs to be watered and fed.  It's much more like a finicky house plant that you can't leave unattended for too long, or the leaves start to fall off and it shrivels.

Musical Monday- I Will Wait from Mumford and Sons

Not going to lie.  This last week has been pretty sucky.  I don't know if it's because it's winter, or if it's because I've turned 32 and still feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.  The girls at work were all sweet and bought me a cake and sang happy birthday, and what did I do?  Start crying.  It's just so depressing.  When you're a kid you always think that you'll know what you're supposed to do with your life by the time you're this age.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.  There's just not many jobs around here.  I could go back to school, but I don't know what for not to mention, I either have to drive an hour one way or go online, and then I'm still in the same spot (physically) when I get done.  I just feel like I'm existing.  Every week is filled with work, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and then repeat.  I know it will help once winter is done and I can be outside.  I hardly ever feel this way in the summer.  Winter just makes me stir crazy and I think another candle on the cake is just adding to the hopeless feeling.

So, sorry I was MIA all last week, but it felt like too much work to even fill out the form for the Mug O' Comfort swap let alone to even think about shopping for someone.  So, this week my goal is to just get some projects done, and get outside (even if it is below zero around here) and get some fresh air.  Oh, and plan what I'm planting once the snow lets up.  I cleaned my office yesterday so I feel like being in there again.  :)  Does anyone else have a love hate relationship with their office?

Anyhow, for my song selection of the week, I'm going with Mumford and Sons' I Will Wait.  It's an upbeat song, and it makes waiting seem not so bad.  Granted, I'm assuming they're talking about waiting for a girl, but sometimes all we can do is wait (and try to prepare ourselves for what is coming next), and be open for opportunities that present themselves.

So, hop over to My So Called Chaos and see what Miss Angie and everyone else are listening to.  Hopefully they're feeling a little more cheery than me.  Here's wishing everyone a happy and productive week!