That Part Where Life Happens Unaware

 

I figured I should probably give an update on what's gone on the past year or so to give some context with where I'm headed.  So here's some of the highlights.

Job

I was working at a nursing home here in town as a health unit coordinator and I did that for about a year and a half, but after crazy hours, stress, and just worn out feeling, I decided to go back to the hospital where I had worked prior.  It feels weird to be back in the same place I left about two years ago.  I'm working as a HUC and CNA.  Mostly CNA.  And mostly on overnights, which is a new "adventure" for me.  When I took the job, I was told there'd be "some" nights.  I was thinking about two a week, but in reality it's been mostly nights with a few PM shifts here and there.  I'm not a night person.  I'm normally in bed by 11pm, so it's been weird to be going to work at that time.  I've gotten better about napping during the day and sleeping longer when I get home from a night shift.  (When I started, I was lucky if I could make it till noon before waking up, now I can go till about 2pm.)  But, as soon as I have more than one day off, my body kicks back to an awake during the day, asleep at night schedule.  I don't hate it, but it's definitely not something I would have chosen.  But, shift differential pay is nice and nights are either pretty mellow or pretty busy.  There seems to be no middle ground.

School

I wasn't a CNA until about 6 months ago.  There was such a shortage of nursing home CNAs that the state of Wisconsin would pay for your schooling if you agreed to work in a nursing home for six months afterwards.  I really had no intention of going anywhere, but the stress got to me, so I left after my six months to return to the hospital.  But, my instructor for the CNA program encouraged me to look into nursing, and I had been pondering it too, so I started with summer school to take a couple classes, took two more this fall, have two this upcoming spring semester, and then I should enter core nursing in the fall of 2019.  I have lots of feelings about this and I'm not sure they're entirely trustworthy, so I won't get into it here and now, but it is a new adventure of sorts, that's for sure.

Health
Weird work schedules and stress have not been kind to my body.  I'm the heaviest I've been- ever!  And I have heartburn a lot, foot problems, and other problems that could be solved if I could get the weight off.  Which I intend to do this year.  It's an urgent problem that needs to be dealt with because if I don't set up good health habits now, by the time I'm in school full time in the fall, it's only going to get worse.  I have a plan and I feel optimistic. 

On the mental health side, my depression has been pretty much kept at bay so far this year.  I feel like I do much better if I keep busy and feel like I have some control over life, so here's hoping.  It's been almost a year that I've been off my antidepressants, which feels amazing some days and foolish others.

Family
Ah family.  My husband is still working the same job.  He's got some health issues too, but we're dealing well enough.  My dad recovered from his heart attack last winter, but had back surgery around Thanksgiving.  I guess he's recovering well from that too.  My mom and brother are both doing fairly well.  We all got together for Christmas which was nice, even if I had only gotten a couple hours of sleep beforehand.


Hobbies
Well, with going back to school, I had to make some adjustments.  My reading time has been limited, and my sewing time was pretty much nonexistent.  So, I moved my sewing related things- fabric, notions, patterns, etc. down to the basement or packed up into the closet in my office.  It was sad, but also liberating, because not having the table and machine set up in my office made much more room and it was nice not to be reminded of the half finished projects waiting for me everywhere.  I fully intend to get back to sewing some day, but a this time in my life, it just really isn't going to happen. 

I do want to get back to writing more regularly.  And, since winter break runs until January 21, I'm trying to get a lot of reading done, and get my currently reading list back down to just a few books.

As far as traveling goes, it seems I never get to do as much as I want.  I did get to Michigan's Upper Peninsula, which I feel like is where I belong.  A friend and I went for a couple days and we had a great time.  I rented an apartment with AirBNB and we were a block from a Mexican restaurant, a couple blocks from a used bookstore, and a coffee shop was about a block the other way.  So basically, everything my little heart needed was within walking distance. The area had horrible flooding while we were there, and it was very weird driving home.  We stopped at Bond Falls, which is normally a nice peaceful, but large waterfall.   This time it was roaring.  Water was running down the steps and it just felt angry.  But still beautiful. 

So that's the gist of the last  year.  Nothing too remarkable, but looking forward to more adventures in 2019.

Brain Bric A Brac

So you may have thought I fell of the face of the planet again.  Actually, I didn't, but I was very busy with the underbelly of real life that blogging friends don't really want/need to know about.  But, I'll fill you in anyway to explain my absence.

1. I got sick.  There's been all sorts of crud going around at work, so I'm considering myself fortunate that I only caught one bug.  It did force me to miss out on a girls' weekend with my Mastermind girls.  But, since I was puking, it was probably better they just went without me.

2. My parents got sick.  I think they had influenza, but I spent some time out there trying to keep their dog exercised and make sure they weren't dying.

3. My dad had a heart attack.  He's only 59.  He's in pretty good shape for a dude his age, and he and my mom eat pretty healthy, so it was definitely not expected.  They wanted to med flight him from here to a bigger hospital but the snow made that a no go, so he had to take a risky clot buster in the ER and then take an ambulance ride in a snowstorm, which thankfully worked with no side effects, and then spend a week or so in the hospital.  He had quadruple bypass but is home now and resting as much as he rests.

4. Work got crazy.  I've lost several nurses and CNAs in the last month, and a bunch of the high school CNAs are asking for reduced hours, which is making scheduling a nightmare.  We're due for the State's yearly inspection any day now, and I feel like there's not enough hours in the day.  Which has of course kicked my anxiety and stress back up.  I'm trying to eat better and take care of myself but sometimes my brain just won't shut down.

Constant resting work face.

5. So I did what any sane stressed person would do.  I signed up for the nursing assistant program.  It only takes a little over a month, and it'll be after work.  I'm sure my body will think I'm nuts by week two, but it will come in handy with my job and if I decide to go on to anything further in healthcare- med tech or nursing, I need to have taken the nursing assistant class.  While I don't have to be a CNA to be a HUC (which is what I am now- Health Unit Clerk) there's times it would be nice if I could help with residents more.  April is as good as month as any, and I'm already trying to think of a fun reward for me after it's all done.  My dad and I had planned a trip to Michigan's Upper Peninsula to watch the Copper Dog 150 dog sled race, but his heart attack happened the week before so that put the cabosh on that plan.

6. Goals are going okay.  February is always a hard month, but I'm already getting some stuff knocked out this month.  I played in my fabric stash this weekend and started some fun, new projects, and enjoyed just sitting among all my fabric and mixing prints and designs.

5 Ways to Survive an Unfulfilling Job

Okay, so like more than half of Americans are unhappy with their jobs.  Is this surprising?  Well, it probably depends on which side you're on.  If you love your job, and find the work you do fulfilling or magical or life giving or some other big adjective, then the rest of this post is probably not going to make much sense to you.  But, if you wake up each Monday with a case of the blues, or you just wish you knew what you wanted to be when you grew up, this post is for you.

As someone who still isn't sure what I want to do with my life (and now in my 30s), here are some strategies for surviving.

1. Figure out what you enjoy doing.  Not what you can make a lot of money at or think you're expected to want to do.  What do you enjoy?  If you aren't really sure anymore, think about when you were a kid, what did you like to do?  For me, I've always had three main loves, that I can trace back from childhood to the present: baking, reading, and writing.
2. Figure out ways you can use these skills, even if it's not in work.  I find that having another area of your life where you're growing can make life more satisfying.  So, if you love animals, volunteer at your animal shelter, or if their social media could use some help, offer.  If you love to write, think about blogging, or if you don't want to have that kind of commitment or are nervous about it, get in touch with bloggers and see if you could contribute for them.  I don't know of any small bloggers that have a budget for guest posters, but if you have something to write about and want to share you wisdom, they may let you use their platform to get your feet wet.
3.  Don't neglect your friends.  It's easy to get into a rut where we work, work, work, and then spend the weekends sleeping or catching up on laundry or marathoning Netflix but spending times with friends is so good for you mental health.  Don't talk about work and focus on being in the moment. 
4. Learn something new.  Sometimes we get in a work rut and it can just make us feel like we're a zombie only good for faxing, collating and stapling.  But, learning a new skill can reignite you passion for life.  Learn to cook something new (affiliate link), take a class at the extension office, download an app to learn a foreign language, or decide to learn to snowshoe this winter.  Having a hobby or project is essential to keeping life fresh and livable.
5. Stay positive and start working on an exit strategy.  This doesn't mean surf the "Help Wanteds" and switch one dissatisfying job for another.  This means really start thinking about what you want to do with this one life you've been given.  Figure out if it means you're going to need more training and how you're going to get it.  Maybe you want to start your own business on the side, start figuring out what you need to do to make it successful.  What do friends and family tell you you're good at?  Is there a way for you to monetize that?  With the internet, it's easier now than ever to start your own business.

So what about you?  Are you doing what you love?   What would you be doing if you knew you could make a living at it?  Leave me a comment below

Guess Who's Going Back to School!

Little known fact: I nearly finished my associates of arts and science degree through the University of Wisconsin years ago.  But after working full time and trying to take three to four classes a semester for several years I got burned out.  The final semester I was in school, my husband had open heart surgery, my dad found out he had cancer, and I found out that I had miscounted my credits and was not going to graduate after all and had to go for one more semester.

Fast forward fiver years to the present.  I finally decided it's time to go back and finish.  Why after all this time?  Well, I'm pretty much tapped out at my job as I've mentioned before.  I can't really go any farther without a degree of some kind, and really I don't really want to stay in healthcare anyway.  So, I'm looking into options for adult accelerated learning programs but the first step is finishing the associates.

So how many more credits do I need?  How much longer will it be?  Answers- one credit.  One measly credit is all I need for my associates.  So, I need to take one class this fall, and then I'll have my associates.  By the end of the year, I can cross this off my to do list.

And, so, in honor of finally going back to school, I have a delightful little video clip for your all. :)

Musical Monday- I Will Wait from Mumford and Sons

Not going to lie.  This last week has been pretty sucky.  I don't know if it's because it's winter, or if it's because I've turned 32 and still feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.  The girls at work were all sweet and bought me a cake and sang happy birthday, and what did I do?  Start crying.  It's just so depressing.  When you're a kid you always think that you'll know what you're supposed to do with your life by the time you're this age.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern.  There's just not many jobs around here.  I could go back to school, but I don't know what for not to mention, I either have to drive an hour one way or go online, and then I'm still in the same spot (physically) when I get done.  I just feel like I'm existing.  Every week is filled with work, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and then repeat.  I know it will help once winter is done and I can be outside.  I hardly ever feel this way in the summer.  Winter just makes me stir crazy and I think another candle on the cake is just adding to the hopeless feeling.

So, sorry I was MIA all last week, but it felt like too much work to even fill out the form for the Mug O' Comfort swap let alone to even think about shopping for someone.  So, this week my goal is to just get some projects done, and get outside (even if it is below zero around here) and get some fresh air.  Oh, and plan what I'm planting once the snow lets up.  I cleaned my office yesterday so I feel like being in there again.  :)  Does anyone else have a love hate relationship with their office?

Anyhow, for my song selection of the week, I'm going with Mumford and Sons' I Will Wait.  It's an upbeat song, and it makes waiting seem not so bad.  Granted, I'm assuming they're talking about waiting for a girl, but sometimes all we can do is wait (and try to prepare ourselves for what is coming next), and be open for opportunities that present themselves.

So, hop over to My So Called Chaos and see what Miss Angie and everyone else are listening to.  Hopefully they're feeling a little more cheery than me.  Here's wishing everyone a happy and productive week!

A Forced Slow Down and A Belated Musical Monday

So I've told you guys how work has been crazy, and there's been tons to do to get ready for Christmas, and if you could see my house right now, it looks like a bomb has strewn objects all over it in a random pattern with no logical order.  My sewing room is a disaster, there's weeks worth of tooth paste spit in my bathroom sink, dead plants in the window sill, and cat toys everywhere.

Do you ever feel like that?  That life is just spinning out of control and all you can do it hold on?  That's how it feels here.  I keep making lists and trying to get everything done, but it's just not happening.

Lake Superior- October 2014

I like this picture of lake, because it kind of looks like how I feel right now, waves of more stuff crashing in- stuff to do, places to go, work, everything piling on top of each other.

Then, early yesterday morning, I woke up with a stomach ache.  I chalked it up to eating ice cream right before I went to bed, but no such luck.  I'll spare you the details, but I was sick.  I called in to work about 9 am, and at the hospital, anytime you have diarrhea, vomiting, or similar gastroenteritis symptoms, you have to be off for three days.  I spent most of the day in bed or the bathroom.  I slept a lot, and then I finally felt like eating real food around 6 pm. 

I feel much better today.  I think sometimes your body just quits on you.  You're stressed, you're eating junky food, you don't take care of yourself, so your body just decides to hit reset for you.  This morning, I feel like I can get the house clean, finish wrapping presents, maybe even do some baking and get some blog posts wrote.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes, getting sick is really a blessing in disguise.  I feel more "with it" today than I have in weeks, and that feels great.  I'm craving a nice big salad, and I have two forced days off at home to get stuff back in order. 

And... I also have a belated selection for Musical Monday this week.  This song pretty much encapsulates how I'm feeling.

So, better late then ever to show up at Musical Monday, right?  Want to see what everyone else was listening to this week?  Head over to My So Called Chaos where the link up lives to see what everyone else is listening to.

Life is Hard

Earlier this month, I wrote about feeling tired and burned out.  And I know I can't be the only one who gets in ruts where it feels like life is making you haul a fifty pound weight around your neck while you're supposed to look composed and happy.

I've had the last four days off and it's given me some time to reflect.  I haven't done any crafting and only a little baking.  But, I've had four good days.  Saturday I went shopping with my mom.  My husband made me brunch Sunday and we spent the day together at home watching football (a favorite pastime of ours).  Yesterday, I had lunch and went shopping with one of my best friends and her little girl, and then today I met my husband for lunch.  It's been great and refreshing.  But tomorrow it's time to rejoin the real world.

And the real world is what is causing the most problems right now.  I found this quote on Jessica Swift's Facebook page and it seems appropriate.

I'd say I like myself most of the time, but I'm not sure if I like what I do anymore.  I'm a unit clerk at  hospital, which basically means you help out the nurses and aides with the paperwork and phone calls, and you just do what you can to make sure everything runs smooth.  I really like what I do.  There's a lot of teamwork that goes into it, and I feel like I'm helping people.  Plus, I get to spend a little time with patients and I like that.  I work the afternoon shift, and I really like having my mornings free.  Trust me, it's nice to not have to set an alarm clock and leisurely drink coffee while I check my email every morning.

But, no job is ever all pros.  There's some cons too.

• I spend a lot of time alone.  Which is nice some days, but some days it can feel very lonely and isolating.  And I spend a lot of time talking to my two cats.  Which doesn't sound super healthy.

•  I see my husband very little.  When I started this job, he worked as a sheriff deputy and his schedule was four days of working and four days off.  His hours were 11am to 11pm.  So, we got home around the same time.  We both worked some weekends and holidays.  It was okay.  Earlier this year, he made a job change and now he has weekends and holidays off and he works a traditional 8am to 4:30 schedule.  While I've never felt like we needed to spend every waking moment together, it's kind of depressing to realize that we have maybe 15 hours a week  where we are both home and awake. I literally could live in a city two or three hours away and only come home on weekends and we'd see each other more.  It's so easy to get into a relationship rut where the majority of our communication is to remind the other to get milk or haul the trash and recyclables out.  That's definitely not how I pictured married life. Nor how I want to spend my life.
• I work at a small hospital, but we're the only hospital for about an hour in any direction, so we still have traumas and codes.  Usually we try to get them stabilized and send them on to one of the bigger hospitals.  I'm a clerk, so I my job in code situations is to record on the forms everything we're doing- what time the patient arrived, vitals, IVs started, drugs administered.  And after a while, you just start feeling calloused.  Everyone does their best to save the patient.  They know their jobs, their prepared, and ready.  But when a patient doesn't make it, you don't cry.  You clean up and go back to work and finish whatever you were doing before the code started.  You let the doctor and clergy deal with the family and you go about the rest of your day.  This is one of the things that bother me the most.  When those sad, Sarah McLachlin sound tracked ASPCA commercials come on, I get teary eyed, but when I watch someone's grandpa pass away after a heart attack, I don't feel anything.  I mean, there's a flicker of sadness, but you just wall yourself off.  Shouldn't I be more upset to see another human being's suffering than an animal in a tv commercial?

So, these are my three biggest hurdles right now.  I don't know how to overcome them, but I feel like something needs to be done.  For now, I'm going to try to be more in the moment.  Make a point to have productive mornings when I'm home alone.  Consciously spend more time with my husband when we are both home, instead of him in his office and me putzing on my computer.  And, be more in the moment.  I don't want to break down in a blubbering mess every time I'm in a code, but after it's done, take a moment to remember that this is someones family or friend.  And try to be more empathetic towards the patients and families I come into contact with.  I just need to keep reminding myself,

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
                                      -John Watson

This small town doesn't have a lot to offer in the way of jobs, so for now, I'll tough it out and see where life takes me.  I'll keep myself open to changes and opportunities and who knows where that will take me. 

So any advice?  What do you do when you feel like life is making your heart hard?